It was Jerry’s birthday, and we had a serious scientific question to answer: is carrot cake technically a salad?
That was the excuse. The real plan was to go to Monkey Bar, eat everything, and then go to a steakhouse afterward. Yes. Monkey Bar was the snack. The pregame. The appetizer to dinner.
We did not go easy on the snack.
Back at Monkey Bar
If you’ve read my first Monkey Bar NYC review, you already know I’m a fan. The room is gorgeous. You walk in and there’s artwork all over the walls, and it feels like a classic. Technically it is a classic. It’s just been rebuilt and reopened, like a vintage car with a brand new engine. Or me after a nap.
It’s a Hogsalt spot, the same group behind Au Cheval, so you already know the food is going to be delicious and the burger is going to be serious. The staff is extremely friendly and on it from the moment you sit down. Monkey Bar already sits as an honorable mention on my Best Burgers in NYC list. This visit did not hurt its case.
A Fair Warning About the Bread
Let me save you from yourself. Do not get the monkey bread if you are also getting the meatballs and the tartare. Both of those come with bread. A lot of bread. Really tasty bread. You will be full before the food even shows up.
Did we listen to my own advice? No. There were a few of us, so we got the monkey bread anyway. Truffles, parmesan, truffle butter, and bread with truffle all over it. Warm. Gooey. Superb.
And also, the beginning of our downfall.
Steak Tartare: Delicious, and Also More Bread
Next came the steak tartare. Delicious. Rich. Exactly what you want. It also came with more bread. At this point the table looked like a bakery had a really bad accident. Nobody complained.
The Wagyu Meatballs Are the Star
The meatballs were one of the stars of the show. Slow roasted Wagyu meatballs in a nice little red sauce with parm, plus garlic bread. The bread is crack. The meatballs are crack. Everything is crack. And again, more bread, more carbs, and we still had a steakhouse later.
So naturally, we ordered light. Please notice the air quotes. They’re everywhere. “Light.”
The “Light” Portion of the Afternoon
We got the toro crudo. Thinly sliced toro with ponzu and shallots. Clean, bright, always nice to have. It was the one dish on the table that didn’t come with a loaf of bread attached.
And don’t worry about your boy. This whole time I’m having martinis. And a Bloody Mary, because technically it was still brunch, and a Bloody Mary at brunch is basically a vegetable. I’m rocking and rolling. The martini didn’t mind sharing the spotlight. It knew it was still the favorite.
The Wedge Salad, Upgraded
Next was the wedge salad. Iceberg, egg, bacon, gorgonzola, red onion, and ranch. And because we learned from 4 Charles, we added a crab cake on top. This way you get a little bit of everything. Lettuce, crab, bacon, cheese. A balanced diet.
You need fiber to keep the body going, you know. Got to keep things moving. If you know what I mean. I’m sorry. Not sorry.
The Entrees: French Dip and the Signature Burger
For entrees we went with the French dip, which is always a classic. Make sure you dip properly. Don’t be shy about it. That’s what the jus is there for.
We also got the signature burger, which is pretty much the standard Hogsalt burger, a double cheeseburger. We skipped the add-ons. No egg. No bacon. Just a good old-fashioned double cheeseburger. And there’s nothing wrong with that. When the burger is this good, accessories are optional. Like a belt. Which I also needed to loosen at this point.
The Science: Is Carrot Cake a Salad?
Now for the most important part. The research.
We went with the carrot cake. A big slice with cream cheese frosting, toasted coconut, and actual carrots. Let’s look at the evidence. It has carrots. Carrots are vegetables. Vegetables go in salads. Therefore, carrot cake is a salad. The math checks out.
Is any of that correct? Absolutely not. Am I a scientist? I’m a fat guy from Brooklyn. But I stand by the findings, and I’m submitting them for peer review at my next birthday.
The table also got the Gelato, and they brought it out with a candle for Jerry. I didn’t have any. I was busy eating salad…..
The Verdict
As always, Monkey Bar was a hit. Beautiful room, great staff, and food that makes you forget you have dinner plans in three hours. We may have overdone it on the carbs. But that’s what a birthday is for.
Happy birthday, Jerry. The carrot cake was for science.
As always, what do I know? I am just a fat guy from Brooklyn trying to survive the week, one martini at a time.
Looking for more NYC restaurant reviews? Check out my Best Steakhouses in NYC, Best Burgers in NYC, and Best Restaurants in NYC lists.
I must visit asap